I Saw My Mom This Morning

I think about my mom every single day. They are mostly happy thoughts which I'm so grateful for. I'm able to smile at her photo and talk to her but I haven't had a dream about her in a long time. This morning though, there she was, standing in her robe in the living room when I came down the stairs, a big smile on her face, "Good morning" - even in my dream, I swear my heart lurched. I looked around the room and everything was as it was yesterday, but there she was, "Is this real?" I asked as I raced towards her, throwing my arms around her. I was touching her face, crying, trying to talk (and probably thrashing around in the bed). She had her arms around me, I swear I could feel them; their warmth, their tenderness, they enveloped me. 

My mom has been gone for almost five years which really just seems impossible. I loved her fiercely and my sister and I fought like hell to keep her alive, we now realize longer than she probably wanted. We weren't ready to live our lives without her. 

In my dream she told me she had 30 days to meet with friends and family - to answer their questions, to hug and to say goodbye. She was calm and calming, stroking my hair as I buried my head in her chest and sobbed. I woke up with tears streaming down my face, desperately wanting the dream to be real. 

Reality is tough. My mom is gone and my challenging dad is somehow (depending on the day) thriving. My parents wedding anniversary is coming up as is the day she passed. I don't know what triggered the dream, I'm not sure it matters. As hard as it was to wake up and realize it was a dream, I wouldn't change those tears for anything. Her arms around me, her voice in my ear, it was magical.